[Ronan is no longer in the long barn. He is, in fact, just outside of it. Since he's through with messing around on the network, he's ambling around the perimeter of the building and taking in the gloomy weather. It's overcast in a way that makes the hour seem later than it is, casting the Meadows in shades of gray, and Ronan a black shadow drifting through it. He's not difficult to spot at all.
Neither is Kylo. Ronan stops when he sees him coming across the field. He doesn't approach, only waits, unsure what it even is he's about to be confronted with.]
[ The closer Kylo gets it's increasingly obvious he doesn't know what he's about to confront Ronan with. While he's not the kind of telepath that broadcasts his thoughts and feelings, he does seem to carry a chaotic tangle of something with him that often reads as some kind of undefinable aura of menace, danger, power. Right now, what he's carrying is a struggle. His shoulders are tensed with the weight.
He looks, possibly, frightened. Shaken. He stops, just a little too far away. ]
[Ronan scoffs unkindly at the question. He doesn't say things he doesn't mean. Kylo already knows that about him.]
Did I mean it.
[If Kylo's not coming any closer, Ronan will come to him. He strides forward until he's directly in front of Kylo, holding his gaze, decidedly unafraid. Nothing he said today should come as any surprise.]
[ Ronan's right, of course. Kylo does know. And he knows that wasn't the right question, but he can't push everything he needs the question to mean into words. He can never push what he means into words, no matter what he tries.
The helpless frustration of it is palpable. ]
Tell me you'll fight for it. With me. Tell me--
[ He sucks in air, horribly aware that there's a tremble at the edge of everything he says, that his wretched, shredded heart is twisting like it's going to burst. He is an idiot. He's a fucking idiot. Ronan's always known what he wanted, right from the first time they dreamt together. Maybe even before. He's always known how much, how desperately.
He swallows. He forces himself to look him in the eyes. And he surrenders the secret that isn't a secret at all. ]
[Ronan reaches up and takes Kylo's face in his hands, as if he's physically falling apart and needs to be held together. The tremulous uncertainty isn't shared. Ronan's touch is steady and resolute. Oh, yes, he knows exactly what Kylo wants, even if he would argue he's not the right source for it.]
[ It isn't that he doesn't believe Ronan. He does. But he doesn't know how to accept it. He doesn't know how to exist as something accepted and welcomed, when everything he has built behind him is a mountain of evidence to the contrary.
He doesn't know how to be anything other than angry at having been chewed up and spat out. He doesn't know how he can have given everything he had in the futile, desperate struggle to be enough - twice over - only to be standing here with Ronan's hands cradling his face like he understands he'll fracture into pieces without them.
He is received. Without having any idea what, if anything, he did to earn it.
And all he has left to say is the same thing he told Ronan the first time he let him inside. ]
[There is a kind of tragedy in being able to give everyone exactly what they desire. Ronan is painfully aware that Kylo's fallen in love with a dream, and the dream wears Ronan's face, and it exists solely to fill the void someone else left in Kylo's heart. A happily ever after would be possible with the person Kylo's wishing for.
Ronan could grant it. But the result wouldn't be Ronan.]
You're not alone.
[He can promise that much.]
But this isn't a dream. I need you to understand. I'm the thing you're using to get what you want. I'm not the thing you want.
[ It's abundantly clear that Kylo doesn't understand what Ronan's trying to say, a confusion settling on his face- but it's only to be expected. It isn't a hole vacated by someone else that Kylo wants so desperately to fill. There's never been anything that fitted there at all. So how could he possibly recognise what it is he needs? ]
This is what I want.
[ His brow furrows, a creeping fear spreading. ]
What we have. Ronan. What we have, together. You, and me. Don't-- don't tell me this is a dream. I chose you.
[Ronan has watched this play out enough times to know the ending already. He can never seem to make any of them understand that they love an idea of him. It'll be months or years from now, maybe, but Kylo will eventually realize this isn't what he'd meant to choose. He'll figure out that he'd thought Ronan was something else.
And then he'll leave.
With a defeated sigh, Ronan leans in and presses his forehead to Kylo's. He traces Kylo's cheekbones with his thumbs, smoothing away the fear he finds rising up beneath Kylo's skin.]
[ Kylo closes his eyes and lifts his hands to steady himself, not daring to wrap his arms around Ronan's body but needing to touch him. His fingers curl around Ronan's sides, the softness just below the rigidity of his ribs, a barely detectable tremor running through them. He's shaken by the idea that he's missed something he can't see. Ronan's soft sigh leaves him raw. ]
I know.
[ It doesn't sound convincing, even to his own ears, even though that's the part of this he doesn't doubt. He tears a ragged breath from the air between them, his useless grip tightening, just a fraction. All the words he has, all of them, they're all wrong. ]
But you said you wanted to stay. With me. You said it.
[Ronan wants a lot of things that inevitably lead to disaster and heartbreak for everyone around him. He's done his best to warn Kylo. Now it's just a countdown to the explosion.]
Wherever we end up, I'll be there with you.
[There was never a question of that. He promised himself to Kylo months ago, when they forged their bond.]
[ He breathes out, rattling at the edges. He feels wrung out and broken, drowning in something so much bigger than he is. Has he really misunderstood everything so badly? ]
I don't understand why you don't think that's enough for me.
[ He doesn't trust himself to speak any more. What is there left to say, anyway? He feels miserably vulnerable, far beyond the rescuing reach of anger. No-one ever taught him how to speak this language. No-one ever explained the rules.
He presses his lips together and swallows mutely. He'd nod if he had the space to. ]
[Ronan realizes he's not being heard. Or maybe he's not being understood. Either way, something's getting lost here. Kylo's coming apart in his arms.]
You're not getting it.
[He lays his hands on Kylo's shoulders, pushing him back just far enough to look him in the eyes.]
I wanna be with you. I wanna give you everything you'll ever want. And that's what's wrong. I'm just fucking scared I'll disappoint you like I disappoint everyone.
I need to know that you know that I'm the one who loves you. The shitty, screwed-up, messy Ronan loves you. It's only ever gonna be me.
[ There's a long silence following that. What else could there be? Kylo's dark eyes search Ronan's, his breath caught on the words long since fallen from his lips. And he slides and condenses, the confusion falling away into irrelevance at what he sees looking back at him- because if this is where the fault lies, it's nothing. ]
I know what you are.
[ He says it slowly, steadily, the same tone Ronan's heard him offer up before, confessing his sins. It's his own language of careful, deliberate truth, one he hopes Ronan knows how to speak. ]
You gave me a gift, in a dream. I know what he was. What he is, where he belongs. I know.
[ Cabeswater, the steadiness of his gaze suggests without words. He's seen it in Ronan's mind, the traces of it, the desperate longing for the impossible perfection of it. He lifts his hand, cupping the side of Ronan's face. He is capable of this, he's learned. Slowly. He can be gentle. ]
I want to be here. I want to belong here. With you.
[Ronan takes a breath, a protest already rising to his tongue. Do you know? he wants to demand. Do you really know? Because the people who know Ronan - who know Ronan - don't choose to stay. He doesn't know how anyone who'd conjured a better version could possibly accept this one, unless they were deluding themselves with the idea that there's something worthwhile under all this garbage.
Ronan exhales, the argument deconstructing itself before he can voice it. He's speaking to someone who can search his mind and pull out every secret. Of course Kylo fucking knows.
He just doesn't care.]
Then stay.
[It had seemed obvious, that the reason Kylo never asked to move in was because he didn't want to. Because dreams fade with daylight and Ronan's at his most appealing during the night.
But all this time, Kylo had wanted to be with him?]
[ The corner of Kylo's mouth tugs minutely towards a smile as he watches the passionate, furious rebuttal whirl into existence behind Ronan's eyes... only to fall apart and scatter, useless in the face of the truth.
There's a victory worth savouring. He's never felt a sweeter one, though the power of the one that follows swells wild.
[Once more, Ronan's tripped and fallen into love. He'll never learn. For someone so bitter, he's never actually mastered cynicism. Instead of protecting his heart, he just keeps giving it away.
This is the part where everything's still good, though. He's warm in every place Kylo touches him. He wants and he's wanted and they've settled this, finally. Grasping at Kylo's shoulders, Ronan pulls him forward and crushes their mouths together in a heated kiss.]
[ How exactly the two of them managed to pull this miracle out of the misery he found himself floundering in just minutes before is a mystery to Kylo- but most of Ronan is miraculous to him, and not necessarily because of his abilities as the Greywaren. He meets Ronan's passion with a fiercely certain acceptance, wrapping strong arms around him as he claims his mouth, battered heart pounding in his chest.
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Neither is Kylo. Ronan stops when he sees him coming across the field. He doesn't approach, only waits, unsure what it even is he's about to be confronted with.]
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He looks, possibly, frightened. Shaken. He stops, just a little too far away. ]
Did you mean it.
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Did I mean it.
[If Kylo's not coming any closer, Ronan will come to him. He strides forward until he's directly in front of Kylo, holding his gaze, decidedly unafraid. Nothing he said today should come as any surprise.]
Don't be a fucking idiot.
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The helpless frustration of it is palpable. ]
Tell me you'll fight for it. With me. Tell me--
[ He sucks in air, horribly aware that there's a tremble at the edge of everything he says, that his wretched, shredded heart is twisting like it's going to burst.
He is an idiot. He's a fucking idiot. Ronan's always known what he wanted, right from the first time they dreamt together. Maybe even before. He's always known how much, how desperately.
He swallows. He forces himself to look him in the eyes.
And he surrenders the secret that isn't a secret at all. ]
Please.
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I'm with you. For this fight. For every other.
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He doesn't know how to be anything other than angry at having been chewed up and spat out. He doesn't know how he can have given everything he had in the futile, desperate struggle to be enough - twice over - only to be standing here with Ronan's hands cradling his face like he understands he'll fracture into pieces without them.
He is received. Without having any idea what, if anything, he did to earn it.
And all he has left to say is the same thing he told Ronan the first time he let him inside. ]
It's ours. Or I don't want it.
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Ronan could grant it. But the result wouldn't be Ronan.]
You're not alone.
[He can promise that much.]
But this isn't a dream. I need you to understand. I'm the thing you're using to get what you want. I'm not the thing you want.
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So how could he possibly recognise what it is he needs? ]
This is what I want.
[ His brow furrows, a creeping fear spreading. ]
What we have. Ronan. What we have, together. You, and me. Don't-- don't tell me this is a dream. I chose you.
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And then he'll leave.
With a defeated sigh, Ronan leans in and presses his forehead to Kylo's. He traces Kylo's cheekbones with his thumbs, smoothing away the fear he finds rising up beneath Kylo's skin.]
You have me.
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I know.
[ It doesn't sound convincing, even to his own ears, even though that's the part of this he doesn't doubt. He tears a ragged breath from the air between them, his useless grip tightening, just a fraction. All the words he has, all of them, they're all wrong. ]
But you said you wanted to stay. With me. You said it.
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[Ronan wants a lot of things that inevitably lead to disaster and heartbreak for everyone around him. He's done his best to warn Kylo. Now it's just a countdown to the explosion.]
Wherever we end up, I'll be there with you.
[There was never a question of that. He promised himself to Kylo months ago, when they forged their bond.]
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I don't understand why you don't think that's enough for me.
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I just want you to be sure.
[This isn't a rejection. Ronan eases closer, hooking his arms around Kylo's neck in a reassuring embrace. He hasn't done anything wrong here.]
I'm yours. This is ours. No one's taking it away.
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He presses his lips together and swallows mutely. He'd nod if he had the space to. ]
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You're not getting it.
[He lays his hands on Kylo's shoulders, pushing him back just far enough to look him in the eyes.]
I wanna be with you. I wanna give you everything you'll ever want. And that's what's wrong. I'm just fucking scared I'll disappoint you like I disappoint everyone.
I need to know that you know that I'm the one who loves you. The shitty, screwed-up, messy Ronan loves you. It's only ever gonna be me.
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And he slides and condenses, the confusion falling away into irrelevance at what he sees looking back at him- because if this is where the fault lies, it's nothing. ]
I know what you are.
[ He says it slowly, steadily, the same tone Ronan's heard him offer up before, confessing his sins.
It's his own language of careful, deliberate truth, one he hopes Ronan knows how to speak. ]
You gave me a gift, in a dream. I know what he was. What he is, where he belongs. I know.
[ Cabeswater, the steadiness of his gaze suggests without words. He's seen it in Ronan's mind, the traces of it, the desperate longing for the impossible perfection of it. He lifts his hand, cupping the side of Ronan's face. He is capable of this, he's learned. Slowly. He can be gentle. ]
I want to be here. I want to belong here. With you.
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Ronan exhales, the argument deconstructing itself before he can voice it. He's speaking to someone who can search his mind and pull out every secret. Of course Kylo fucking knows.
He just doesn't care.]
Then stay.
[It had seemed obvious, that the reason Kylo never asked to move in was because he didn't want to. Because dreams fade with daylight and Ronan's at his most appealing during the night.
But all this time, Kylo had wanted to be with him?]
Stay, asshole. You always belonged here.
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There's a victory worth savouring. He's never felt a sweeter one, though the power of the one that follows swells wild.
His thumb strokes over Ronan's cheek. ]
I hope you have room for my record collection.
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This is the part where everything's still good, though. He's warm in every place Kylo touches him. He wants and he's wanted and they've settled this, finally. Grasping at Kylo's shoulders, Ronan pulls him forward and crushes their mouths together in a heated kiss.]
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He meets Ronan's passion with a fiercely certain acceptance, wrapping strong arms around him as he claims his mouth, battered heart pounding in his chest.
This is what he wants. This. Exactly this. ]