[ He asks because, well, most of the time Murphy forgets his dreams the moment he wakes up. Either that or his nightmares replay the same memories over and over again.
What he's experiencing right now, it's new. And it feels so real.
Somewhere, behind him, Murphy hears her calling for him. Groaning, a ghost lurking nearby. ]
[ What does safe look like? That's a very good question. Things around them flicker out of existence, statics when Murphy is trying to think of things that are safe.
Bellamy manifests, appears at his periphery. Bellamy is safe, Murphy thinks. Bellamy would make sure that Murphy's not hurt. It's a lie but Murphy doesn't know it just yet. ]
[ A story for another time. Murphy looks at Ronan sidelong, tipping his chin subtly in acknowledgment. ] What would happen if we did [ , Murphy asks purely out of curiosity as he approaches Bellamy. ]
Who else would I be [ , Bellamy speaks, even and casual. When Murphy is close enough to Bellamy, Murphy reaches out. Bellamy lets Murphy touch his face. ] It's me [ , Bellamy reassures Murphy. ]
[ Ronan, now, is more a voice in Murphy's ear than a solid presence. ]
And a wish. He's the Bellamy you think you know. The person you want him to be. But you'll never know all of him. We'd be making a copy from your perspective, not bringing him to you.
[ This is just a memory, the Bellamy that stands before him. Murphy scrutinizes the features of Bellamy's face, his gaze connecting dots with the freckles that pepper his face.
Bellamy collects Murphy just then, pulls him in and holds him close to his chest. This is what safe feels like. ]
I can't think of a place that's safe [ , Murphy murmurs. He's still in Bellamy's embrace. Just a few more seconds. He wants to remember this hug when he wakes up. A moment later, Bellamy is slipping away the moment Murphy slips him out of his thoughts. ]
What's safe to you? [ He turns to look for Ronan. ]
[ By virtue of Murphy's curiosity, the answer makes itself instantly known all around them. Rolling Appalachian pastures stretch around them, nearly identical to those found at the Meadows. But this is not the Meadows. This is the Barns, in Singer's Falls, outside of Henrietta - a town which no longer exists. This is Ronan's childhood home. The farmhouse sitting by the winding driveway is much more modest than the one at the Meadows, and scattered over the hills are the namesake barns in various states of disrepair. Despite the subtle aesthetic differences, the magic of the place is the same.
Ronan is sprawled out on the emerald grass a few feet away. ]
I could never leave.
[ Because they're one mind at the moment, Murphy immediately understands what he means by that: Before Lachesis dragged him out of his world altogether, Ronan was tied to the Barns. More specifically, tied to the ley line running through it. Wandering too far from it meant losing control over his power. Losing control over his power meant it was necessary to avoid using it altogether. And to avoid dreaming meant certain death. ]
It's not really safe. Nowhere is. But it's the safest, I guess.
It is safe [ , Murphy says after awhile, looking at the new scene that Ronan's painted for them. The farmhouse, as new as it is, has been the safest place for him, he realizes. Safer than the Ark, safer than the ground. ]
I wouldn't want to leave anyway. I have my own room. [ The edges of his lips curl, Murphy smirks at himself. ]
[ Abandoned indefinitely at the Barns, Ronan had been just about ready to let death take him. But everything's different at the Meadows. He has Kylo. And now he has Murphy, too. ]
I'm glad you're back. I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
[ Things are better when you're not alone, lost, or isolated. It's better when people genuinely want to be around you. He hasn't felt like a person in a really long time. ] Even if I'm not your Murphy. [ Because no matter what people say, Murphy always needs that reassurance. ]
[ Ronan lays a hand on Murphy's shoulder, gently pulling him closer. ]
You don't have some of his memories. That doesn't mean you're not him. You were always a part of him, the person he'd been, the person he still was. And he was good enough for me, which means you are, too.
[ Murphy feels the weight of Ronan's hand on his shoulder. It's comforting and warm. He lets himself get pulled and doesn't bother moving away. Murphy is starved of a lot of things. Attention. Affection. Touch. And if Ronan is going to give him at least one of those things, Murphy is going to openly accept it. ]
And you're not just saying that because we share the same face?
My brother has this face, too, and I can barely stand him.
[ No, really, he loves Declan. But he didn't always. And what Ronan doesn't mention - although Murphy can find it in his memories, if he goes looking - is that he's sacrificed hundreds of Ronan clones to save his own life. Resemblance alone is hardly something that will endear someone to him. Murphy is so much more than a face.
When Murphy doesn't pull away, Ronan brings his other arm around and draws him into an embrace. ]
Not to freak you out, but I know everything about you and you still haven't sent me running. I don't think it's gonna happen.
[ This is something, he has found, that people need to be reminded about every now and then. Eventually, maybe they'll learn: Ronan does not leave. Ronan is left behind.
Now that Murphy's relaxing into his arms, Ronan keeps him cradled close, content to hold him for as long as he needs to be held. It can be hours. It can be days. In a dream, time makes very little sense, anyway. His fingers comb through Murphy's hair, just like they did earlier, tender and soothing. ]
Been a long time since someone loved you unconditionally, right? It's gonna take getting used to.
[ This is so nice, nice and warm. He hasn't been hugged since his father died.
He is overcome with emotions suddenly, his eyes are welling up with tears and Murphy closes them so tight. It takes all of his strength to keep himself from unraveling, from breaking down right in front of Ronan. Even though Murphy is sure that Ronan has seen him in various states of emotion. ]
[ After all, they're already inside the place where emotions are held. Whether Murphy's putting on a brave face or not, Ronan can feel all of that sorrow and turmoil. If they want to avoid a nightmare, Murphy should seek catharsis while he can. ]
I'm just so fucking tired. [ Mental exhaustion. Tired from being alone and isolated. Tired of being treated like shit on the bottom of someone's boot.
Tired of being unloved and unwanted.
Murphy wraps his arms around Ronan, clinging to fistfuls of his shirt from behind. ] Please, please, [ Murphy's voice cracks. ] I just - be my safe place. Don't let me go. [ His voice is sopping wet. ]
[ Few ever have the occasion to see Ronan himself unguarded, as tender and sweet as he had been before he'd lost his own family. He can be unrecognizable to those who have only ever known him as sharp and venomous.
Here, with Murphy in his arms, every edge has softened. Murphy is enveloped in him, and although they were standing just a moment ago, they're now resting on a bed so that Murphy no longer has to exert the effort to remain upright. Cradling him with one arm, Ronan's other hand brushes Murphy's cheek. ]
I won't let go.
[ He bows his head, pressing a kiss into Murphy's hair, and promises in a whispered mantra: ]
[ They are in a bed in what appears to be Murphy's room. Things are different but he hasn't noticed the changes yet. He is still very caught up in the moment with all of his emotions bubbling up to the surface.
He's curled himself against Ronan, wetting his shirt with his tears. This is his dream, no one is going to see Murphy in this state, just Ronan. Murphy has opened himself up, showing this vulnerable and delicate facet that he is made up of. Scared, broken, angry, someone who just wants to be loved. ] I wish I came here sooner.
[ Ronan wishes Murphy had been given every opportunity he'd had. To have been born somewhere he could dance in the rain. To have fallen asleep to a song every night. Exile had nearly killed Ronan, but even then, someone had been waiting for him on the other side, ready to take him in and give him a home.
When Murphy was abandoned and left for dead, no one had come to his rescue.
Ronan continues to caress his cheek, wiping away what tears haven't been soaked up. Outside of the dream, a rage would have flared up by now. But rage isn't what Murphy needs from him, so his heart remains quiet. ]
You're here now. And I'm here. And I'll give you everything you never had.
[ Murphy sniffs up the tears that had settled just below his nose and uses his sleeve to dry up what is still left.
In Murphy's dream, they are still in his room. A wall had vanished and opened itself up to a vast forest. If they'd stop and listen, birds are singing in the distance. Frogs croaking, crickets chirping. But Murphy's attention doesn't bleed outside of them, outside of Ronan. He looks up, scoots himself so he's able to look at Ronan in his eyes, they're so big and blue. ] There's a whole lot I never had.
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What he's experiencing right now, it's new. And it feels so real.
Somewhere, behind him, Murphy hears her calling for him. Groaning, a ghost lurking nearby. ]
I'm trying. [ To focus, he means. ]
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Safe. What does safe look like?
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Bellamy manifests, appears at his periphery. Bellamy is safe, Murphy thinks. Bellamy would make sure that Murphy's not hurt. It's a lie but Murphy doesn't know it just yet. ]
Bellamy [ , Murphy murmurs. ]
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We can't bring him back with us. It won't be him.
[ Though there's no reason for Murphy to walk away immediately, if he needs this reunion. ]
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Who else would I be [ , Bellamy speaks, even and casual. When Murphy is close enough to Bellamy, Murphy reaches out. Bellamy lets Murphy touch his face. ] It's me [ , Bellamy reassures Murphy. ]
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[ Ronan, now, is more a voice in Murphy's ear than a solid presence. ]
And a wish. He's the Bellamy you think you know. The person you want him to be. But you'll never know all of him. We'd be making a copy from your perspective, not bringing him to you.
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Bellamy collects Murphy just then, pulls him in and holds him close to his chest. This is what safe feels like. ]
I can't think of a place that's safe [ , Murphy murmurs. He's still in Bellamy's embrace. Just a few more seconds. He wants to remember this hug when he wakes up. A moment later, Bellamy is slipping away the moment Murphy slips him out of his thoughts. ]
What's safe to you? [ He turns to look for Ronan. ]
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Ronan is sprawled out on the emerald grass a few feet away. ]
I could never leave.
[ Because they're one mind at the moment, Murphy immediately understands what he means by that: Before Lachesis dragged him out of his world altogether, Ronan was tied to the Barns. More specifically, tied to the ley line running through it. Wandering too far from it meant losing control over his power. Losing control over his power meant it was necessary to avoid using it altogether. And to avoid dreaming meant certain death. ]
It's not really safe. Nowhere is. But it's the safest, I guess.
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I wouldn't want to leave anyway. I have my own room. [ The edges of his lips curl, Murphy smirks at himself. ]
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[ Abandoned indefinitely at the Barns, Ronan had been just about ready to let death take him. But everything's different at the Meadows. He has Kylo. And now he has Murphy, too. ]
I'm glad you're back. I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
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[ What an absurd suggestion. ]
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[ The colors around them grow dark, different shades of blue, grays, blacks. ]
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You don't have some of his memories. That doesn't mean you're not him. You were always a part of him, the person he'd been, the person he still was. And he was good enough for me, which means you are, too.
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And you're not just saying that because we share the same face?
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[ No, really, he loves Declan. But he didn't always. And what Ronan doesn't mention - although Murphy can find it in his memories, if he goes looking - is that he's sacrificed hundreds of Ronan clones to save his own life. Resemblance alone is hardly something that will endear someone to him. Murphy is so much more than a face.
When Murphy doesn't pull away, Ronan brings his other arm around and draws him into an embrace. ]
Not to freak you out, but I know everything about you and you still haven't sent me running. I don't think it's gonna happen.
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That's good to know, [ he murmurs, resting his head on Ronan's shoulder. ] You not running away.
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Now that Murphy's relaxing into his arms, Ronan keeps him cradled close, content to hold him for as long as he needs to be held. It can be hours. It can be days. In a dream, time makes very little sense, anyway. His fingers comb through Murphy's hair, just like they did earlier, tender and soothing. ]
Been a long time since someone loved you unconditionally, right? It's gonna take getting used to.
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He is overcome with emotions suddenly, his eyes are welling up with tears and Murphy closes them so tight. It takes all of his strength to keep himself from unraveling, from breaking down right in front of Ronan. Even though Murphy is sure that Ronan has seen him in various states of emotion. ]
Yeah, [ Murphy whispers, his voice wet. ]
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[ After all, they're already inside the place where emotions are held. Whether Murphy's putting on a brave face or not, Ronan can feel all of that sorrow and turmoil. If they want to avoid a nightmare, Murphy should seek catharsis while he can. ]
I'm here for you. You don't have to hide from me.
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Tired of being unloved and unwanted.
Murphy wraps his arms around Ronan, clinging to fistfuls of his shirt from behind. ] Please, please, [ Murphy's voice cracks. ] I just - be my safe place. Don't let me go. [ His voice is sopping wet. ]
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Here, with Murphy in his arms, every edge has softened. Murphy is enveloped in him, and although they were standing just a moment ago, they're now resting on a bed so that Murphy no longer has to exert the effort to remain upright. Cradling him with one arm, Ronan's other hand brushes Murphy's cheek. ]
I won't let go.
[ He bows his head, pressing a kiss into Murphy's hair, and promises in a whispered mantra: ]
I won't let you go. I won't let go.
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He's curled himself against Ronan, wetting his shirt with his tears. This is his dream, no one is going to see Murphy in this state, just Ronan. Murphy has opened himself up, showing this vulnerable and delicate facet that he is made up of. Scared, broken, angry, someone who just wants to be loved. ] I wish I came here sooner.
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[ Ronan wishes Murphy had been given every opportunity he'd had. To have been born somewhere he could dance in the rain. To have fallen asleep to a song every night. Exile had nearly killed Ronan, but even then, someone had been waiting for him on the other side, ready to take him in and give him a home.
When Murphy was abandoned and left for dead, no one had come to his rescue.
Ronan continues to caress his cheek, wiping away what tears haven't been soaked up. Outside of the dream, a rage would have flared up by now. But rage isn't what Murphy needs from him, so his heart remains quiet. ]
You're here now. And I'm here. And I'll give you everything you never had.
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In Murphy's dream, they are still in his room. A wall had vanished and opened itself up to a vast forest. If they'd stop and listen, birds are singing in the distance. Frogs croaking, crickets chirping. But Murphy's attention doesn't bleed outside of them, outside of Ronan. He looks up, scoots himself so he's able to look at Ronan in his eyes, they're so big and blue. ] There's a whole lot I never had.
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