[Noah doesn't answer, not right away. His eyes look distant, scanning Ronan's face while he listens to his thoughts spin and burn. Then, he furrows his brow.]
You're my boyfriend, that's what you are.
[He sounds confused, looks a little bit dazed, but that's just the pot. There's a quiet, rough intensity behind his spacey voice.]
And this isn't a game to me, okay? I did my experimenting, like, ten years ago, and I know who I am, and I know what I want, and what I want is all of you. [He punctuates that with a clumsy point of his finger. His eyes are smokey and bloodshot, though it's well hidden in this light.] I mean, I don't get to grow up and get married and settle down. This is the most serious I know how to be, while still, like, being true to myself and stuff.
[Ronan doesn't particularly expect Noah to be able to follow him through this extremely complicated emotional state right now.]
Look, I get that you all need me to fix some gigantic cosmic mistake, but that doesn't mean I belong here. Blue makes sense for all of you. I don't. I've been trying with her, but this piece just isn't gonna fit. There's a thousand reasons why it won't. Which means I'm something that's getting in the way, instead.
[The radios give a gentle whine of feedback as Noah's mind spreads out in sudden distress, reaching for stability. It isn't that he thought this would go well - if he had, he wouldn't have smoked himself into this agitated buzz, wide eyes blinking furiously against Ronan's backlash.]
Getting in the way of what? Some, like, magic world where you think we'd all be okay without you?
[He flickers, spreading back into air for a moment. Then there's a push of biting air, ice cold, and he's sitting on the foot of the bed. The mattress dips slightly.]
'Cause that's not a world I'm interested in staying alive for.
[The coldness of Noah's diminishing presence wounds Ronan even deeper. He didn't mean to do this. He's trying to make thing easier, not harder. Everyone always forces him to keep talking when they know he's only going to say the opposite of what they want to hear.]
You have plenty of reasons to stay alive. Especially now. Come on, Noah. What am I supposed to do here? We were good together when it was the four of us. When we could be together. If we're not going to acknowledge the fact that I'm responsible for everyone fucking dying, let's at least admit I can't be with a fucking woman and no one needs my limp dick bringing down the mood.
I won't do anything stupid. You guys will still be able to use me when it's time to save Gansey. Just admit it's time to dump me.
I'm not going to dump you. If you don't want to be together anymore, you're gonna have to do it yourself.
[His stomach clenches with nerves, afraid that he's just invited in the end of their relationship, but unwilling to give up the fight. He was at the top of the world this morning, and part of him is still confused at how he got here.]
No one's expecting you to be into her, Ronan. There's no rule that we have to be into each other's partners. And if you don't even want to hang out with her, that's fine too. There's already plenty of time in the day that we don't spend together. You don't even have to see me with her, if she disgusts you that much.
But if it's just the thought of me with a girl that bothers you, that's probably a different talk we need to have.
[Blue doesn't disgust Ronan. She is, in fact, the most pleasant female he's ever encountered who wasn't his mother. In terms of personality, he might have more in common with her than anyone else in the house. If he were for some reason actually forced to date a girl, he'd date Blue Sargent. But he doesn't feel what everyone else seems to feel about her. He's spent much of the past few weeks staring at her in an attempt to find something appealing in her body. But her hair looks stupid. She's too small. Her clothes are absolutely horrible. And though her legs can look nice from certain angles, when he thinks about what's between them, he feels a wave of quiet panic.
He knows none of them expect him to be into her. But before, they were with each other's partners. Frequently. In a few cases, all at the same time. When he thinks about a situation like that erupting between two or three of them with Blue, he's afraid he won't be able to stomach it. And weirdly, he's more afraid of how she'd feel if that happened than his own humiliation.
It's easier for everyone if they avoid the situation entirely. Especially if they're going to keep asking him how he feels about it and getting disappointed when he reacts with anything but enthusiasm.]
What I want is for everything to go back to how it used to be.
[Noah scoots forward slowly, his hands and knees finally making impressions in the sheets, until he's only a couple of feet away. His eyes are kind, and still sleepy with smoke, but his gaze on Ronan is firm.]
Before, though... we missed her. Me and Gansey. [He's still not sure about Adam's feelings on the topic.] We're not trying to turn four into five. The four of us still have a big, special, important... thing. Just, sometimes I'll go kiss a girl.
[He wishes he was clear-headed enough to know if he's just making things worse. Tipping forward, he folds himself until his forehead rests on the very edge of Ronan's knee.]
[Ronan doesn't think Noah's lying. He probably believes everything he's saying. It's just that Ronan knows better. The four of them had a big, special, important thing back home, too, until Blue came along and turned four into five. Ronan hated it then and he hates it now.
But he doesn't hate Blue. He can't hate her now, knowing what he knows. That makes it impossible to call for her exile, and leaves his own departure the only option, now that he sees his relationships coming to an end.
He sighs, combing his fingers through Noah's hair.]
I'm crazy in love with you, too.
[Noah was his first boyfriend. He doesn't want to let go of this, either. If Noah needs Ronan to be the one to end it, it's not going to happen.]
It's going to be worse if you guys are sneaking around trying to hide it from me so my feelings don't get hurt or whatever. I don't want it to be like I never see you anymore because you're with her. If you're really serious about this, then I think I'm going to have to be okay with her, too.
I don't know. Maybe it'll work. She's used to not kissing her boyfriends, right?
You made her flowers. You're already a great boyfriend.
[He leans into the contact, scooting his head closer. His hair smells like pancakes.]
I'm never going to leave you for her. She winds up with him, and you wind up with Adam, but I'm gonna be right here the whole time, okay? This is where I belong.
[He looks up from under his floppy hair, and raises one hand - one finger - to tap Ronan's chest.]
[The hand-holding seems to assure Noah of something, and he uses that one finger to push Ronan gently backwards, into his pillows. There's nothing rough or sexual about the action, even as Noah crawls up to drape himself over Ronan's chest. It's a soft exchange of comfort; a quiet promise. He tucks his head under Ronan's chin.]
You're the one I'd have wanted that future with, if I could have it. If I had to pick.
[Ronan gathers Noah up in his arms as they settle back, the familiar weight on his chest soothing him with the memory of a time when it was just the two of them in this place. It had been lonely then, but it'd also been more certain. Ronan knew that he was coming home to Noah every day, and that they would be with each other like this, and it would be the same tomorrow, and the day after that.
Noah's words bring a tightness to his throat and a heat to his eyes. He hates that they don't have a future. He hates it more than anything.]
You're mine.
[Ronan wanted Noah from the start. They were each other's best companions, especially once Gansey and Adam became infatuated with each other. Ronan can't imagine what it'll be like when Noah isn't a part of his life anymore. He can't remember a time without him.]
I haven't given up, you know. I'm still trying to find a way.
[A soft, agreeable sound escapes Ronan's throat. One hand pushes through Noah's hair again while the other glides to the small of his back, holding him close.]
I promise I will.
[None of them will let him join Noah in death, so he'll have to bring Noah to life.]
[Noah doesn't answer, at least not in words. He swipes at Ronan's collar with his tongue, still sweet and careful, and rubs soothing circles against his chest. He could never delude himself into thinking that sex could make things better, but he wants to press his cheek to Ronan's and feel his thoughts run brighter and happier, even just for a second.]
[Ronan purrs, a shiver of pleasure running through his body. Sex may not necessarily make things better, but Noah's touch does. It's a comfort to be wanted still, actions matching words. More than that, though, Ronan loves the opportunity to feel Noah's body against him. It's something they couldn't have back home. It is - for Ronan, too - a reason to be alive.]
[Ronan agrees with his body rather than with words, hips grinding up at the same moment his hands pull Noah closer. His fingers tangle themselves up in Noah's hair as he submits to Noah's mouth, his head rolling back to leave his throat exposed.]
[It's a familiar conversation, playful and insistent and spoken entirely with their hips. Noah falls into the rhythm with an easy sigh, his teeth scraping Ronan's neck; one hand slides up to trace the back of his head, nails digging in slightly.
It's funny how they were both near tears only a few minutes ago. Either they're really good at emotions, or they have a lot of shit they need to work through.]
This time- [Noah talks right into his skin, warm and buzzing.] This time I want you inside me.
[Ronan remains dangerously close to tears, in fact, but that means he needs Noah all the more urgently. He squirms beneath Noah, gasping at that gently rough touch and growing harder in his too-tight jeans.
Then Noah says that and Ronan's cock throbs painfully in the same moment his heart skips a beat.]
Are you sure?
[They've been putting this off with good reason. Noah's so little and Ronan's so... big. So likely to lose control. So likely to hurt Noah without meaning to.]
[Ronan nods in assent, his forehead nudging Noah's. A flush of nervousness colors him and his heart pounds louder in his ears, but they've been putting this off for a while now, and Ronan doesn't want Noah to think he doesn't want this. He does. He thinks about it all the time. He's let Noah watch the imagined experience in his mind. The only thing left is to do it.
Cupping Noah's face in his hands, Ronan draws him in for a slow, hungry kiss. He pushes his tongue past Noah's lips and silently promises to be good to him, the way Noah's been.]
[I know you will be, he thinks back at that promise, returning a kiss just as adoring and desperate.
They're practiced at this part, at the shedding of clothes and the tracing of bodies, but every exploration still feels like the first one. Noah still feels a thrill every time he slides his T-shirt off in front of Ronan's worshipful eyes. When he rocks back against him, he feels nervous excitement all the way through his stomach. They're giddy teenagers, still clumsy and unpracticed, but the love in their hearts surpasses age.]
[Ronan sheds his shirt with an impatient sweep of his arm before immediately returning his hands to Noah's skin. His palms pass over Noah's ribs and he bows forward to close his lips around Noah's throat, sucking and kissing. He has to keep moving before the anxiety catches up with him. Let his body feel excitement, instead.
Moaning softly into Noah's skin as Noah's hips move against him, Ronan's fingers climb back down to begin working Noah out of the rest of his clothes. They're rushing only to go slow, he knows, but he can't help himself.]
[It's the going-slow part that Noah can't wait for, and he wastes no time trying to wriggle out of his jeans, scrabbling for Ronan's at the same time.]
Dude.
[He uses his toes to shuck his jeans off the rest of the way, and if they were in any other circumstances, it would be hilariously weird.]
I have that Beyoncé song stuck in my head now. "Crazy in Love", or whatever it's called.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You're my boyfriend, that's what you are.
[He sounds confused, looks a little bit dazed, but that's just the pot. There's a quiet, rough intensity behind his spacey voice.]
And this isn't a game to me, okay? I did my experimenting, like, ten years ago, and I know who I am, and I know what I want, and what I want is all of you. [He punctuates that with a clumsy point of his finger. His eyes are smokey and bloodshot, though it's well hidden in this light.] I mean, I don't get to grow up and get married and settle down. This is the most serious I know how to be, while still, like, being true to myself and stuff.
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[Ronan doesn't particularly expect Noah to be able to follow him through this extremely complicated emotional state right now.]
Look, I get that you all need me to fix some gigantic cosmic mistake, but that doesn't mean I belong here. Blue makes sense for all of you. I don't. I've been trying with her, but this piece just isn't gonna fit. There's a thousand reasons why it won't. Which means I'm something that's getting in the way, instead.
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Getting in the way of what? Some, like, magic world where you think we'd all be okay without you?
[He flickers, spreading back into air for a moment. Then there's a push of biting air, ice cold, and he's sitting on the foot of the bed. The mattress dips slightly.]
'Cause that's not a world I'm interested in staying alive for.
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You have plenty of reasons to stay alive. Especially now. Come on, Noah. What am I supposed to do here? We were good together when it was the four of us. When we could be together. If we're not going to acknowledge the fact that I'm responsible for everyone fucking dying, let's at least admit I can't be with a fucking woman and no one needs my limp dick bringing down the mood.
I won't do anything stupid. You guys will still be able to use me when it's time to save Gansey. Just admit it's time to dump me.
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[His stomach clenches with nerves, afraid that he's just invited in the end of their relationship, but unwilling to give up the fight. He was at the top of the world this morning, and part of him is still confused at how he got here.]
No one's expecting you to be into her, Ronan. There's no rule that we have to be into each other's partners. And if you don't even want to hang out with her, that's fine too. There's already plenty of time in the day that we don't spend together. You don't even have to see me with her, if she disgusts you that much.
But if it's just the thought of me with a girl that bothers you, that's probably a different talk we need to have.
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He knows none of them expect him to be into her. But before, they were with each other's partners. Frequently. In a few cases, all at the same time. When he thinks about a situation like that erupting between two or three of them with Blue, he's afraid he won't be able to stomach it. And weirdly, he's more afraid of how she'd feel if that happened than his own humiliation.
It's easier for everyone if they avoid the situation entirely. Especially if they're going to keep asking him how he feels about it and getting disappointed when he reacts with anything but enthusiasm.]
What I want is for everything to go back to how it used to be.
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[Noah scoots forward slowly, his hands and knees finally making impressions in the sheets, until he's only a couple of feet away. His eyes are kind, and still sleepy with smoke, but his gaze on Ronan is firm.]
Before, though... we missed her. Me and Gansey. [He's still not sure about Adam's feelings on the topic.] We're not trying to turn four into five. The four of us still have a big, special, important... thing. Just, sometimes I'll go kiss a girl.
[He wishes he was clear-headed enough to know if he's just making things worse. Tipping forward, he folds himself until his forehead rests on the very edge of Ronan's knee.]
I'm crazy in love with you.
[He's just saying things he's thinking now.]
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But he doesn't hate Blue. He can't hate her now, knowing what he knows. That makes it impossible to call for her exile, and leaves his own departure the only option, now that he sees his relationships coming to an end.
He sighs, combing his fingers through Noah's hair.]
I'm crazy in love with you, too.
[Noah was his first boyfriend. He doesn't want to let go of this, either. If Noah needs Ronan to be the one to end it, it's not going to happen.]
It's going to be worse if you guys are sneaking around trying to hide it from me so my feelings don't get hurt or whatever. I don't want it to be like I never see you anymore because you're with her. If you're really serious about this, then I think I'm going to have to be okay with her, too.
I don't know. Maybe it'll work. She's used to not kissing her boyfriends, right?
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[He leans into the contact, scooting his head closer. His hair smells like pancakes.]
I'm never going to leave you for her. She winds up with him, and you wind up with Adam, but I'm gonna be right here the whole time, okay? This is where I belong.
[He looks up from under his floppy hair, and raises one hand - one finger - to tap Ronan's chest.]
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We've got a long way to go before any of us winds up anywhere.
[Or that's the hope, at least. Ronan hopes the future never arrives. He catches Noah's hand and curls his fingers around it, clasping it gently.]
But you're right. You're always there, always have been.
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You're the one I'd have wanted that future with, if I could have it. If I had to pick.
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Noah's words bring a tightness to his throat and a heat to his eyes. He hates that they don't have a future. He hates it more than anything.]
You're mine.
[Ronan wanted Noah from the start. They were each other's best companions, especially once Gansey and Adam became infatuated with each other. Ronan can't imagine what it'll be like when Noah isn't a part of his life anymore. He can't remember a time without him.]
I haven't given up, you know. I'm still trying to find a way.
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[It's not a lie - just a wish. He wishes he could belong to Ronan, instead of belonging to the hallowed earth where his bones are buried.]
And you're not allowed to leave until you figure it out. Find a way to keep me.
[He kisses the closest skin to his lips, the hollow of Ronan's collar, soft and warm. His mouth tugs just a little.]
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I promise I will.
[None of them will let him join Noah in death, so he'll have to bring Noah to life.]
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Anywhere you need to be?
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Right here.
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[He hums his reply, following Ronan's veins up to the stubbly underside of his jaw.
Let's have sex. In thoughts, it's easier to put it simply and bluntly.]
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It's funny how they were both near tears only a few minutes ago. Either they're really good at emotions, or they have a lot of shit they need to work through.]
This time- [Noah talks right into his skin, warm and buzzing.] This time I want you inside me.
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Then Noah says that and Ronan's cock throbs painfully in the same moment his heart skips a beat.]
Are you sure?
[They've been putting this off with good reason. Noah's so little and Ronan's so... big. So likely to lose control. So likely to hurt Noah without meaning to.]
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Positive.
[He knows it could be a bad decision, but he's already been waiting so long. He's got to at least know.
Besides, he's been practicing diligently.]
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Cupping Noah's face in his hands, Ronan draws him in for a slow, hungry kiss. He pushes his tongue past Noah's lips and silently promises to be good to him, the way Noah's been.]
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They're practiced at this part, at the shedding of clothes and the tracing of bodies, but every exploration still feels like the first one. Noah still feels a thrill every time he slides his T-shirt off in front of Ronan's worshipful eyes. When he rocks back against him, he feels nervous excitement all the way through his stomach. They're giddy teenagers, still clumsy and unpracticed, but the love in their hearts surpasses age.]
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Moaning softly into Noah's skin as Noah's hips move against him, Ronan's fingers climb back down to begin working Noah out of the rest of his clothes. They're rushing only to go slow, he knows, but he can't help himself.]
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Dude.
[He uses his toes to shuck his jeans off the rest of the way, and if they were in any other circumstances, it would be hilariously weird.]
I have that Beyoncé song stuck in my head now. "Crazy in Love", or whatever it's called.
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