[He doesn't need to wait for an answer. About half a minute later, the wall of boom boxes in Ronan's room crackles into life, for just a few seconds, long enough to get the tune out. Then, Noah is sitting on the floor, a tangle of lazy limbs and messy hair.
[Ronan's heart hurts. He doesn't know what he is anymore to anyone here, for reasons that stretch far beyond Blue's new relationships with Ronan's (former?) boyfriends, though it's that issue at the forefront today. He isn't even angry about it, too preoccupied with the question of what happens next. All of these straight boys had a passing interest in him, experimenting the way boarding school boys tend to. But this isn't a game for him. He doesn't move on to find a girlfriend and wife her at the end of this youthful sexual journey. He's going to be watching from the sidelines while the rest of them woo their woman, and then it'll get serious the way no one will ever get serious with him.
Noah was probably trying to cheer him up. Ronan just wants to cry, instead. He doesn't, though, becaue he never does. Sitting up, Ronan looks over the edge of his bed at Noah. He recognizes a Noah who's been smoking. It reminds him that there's a lot of whiskey waiting downstairs.]
[Noah doesn't answer, not right away. His eyes look distant, scanning Ronan's face while he listens to his thoughts spin and burn. Then, he furrows his brow.]
You're my boyfriend, that's what you are.
[He sounds confused, looks a little bit dazed, but that's just the pot. There's a quiet, rough intensity behind his spacey voice.]
And this isn't a game to me, okay? I did my experimenting, like, ten years ago, and I know who I am, and I know what I want, and what I want is all of you. [He punctuates that with a clumsy point of his finger. His eyes are smokey and bloodshot, though it's well hidden in this light.] I mean, I don't get to grow up and get married and settle down. This is the most serious I know how to be, while still, like, being true to myself and stuff.
[Ronan doesn't particularly expect Noah to be able to follow him through this extremely complicated emotional state right now.]
Look, I get that you all need me to fix some gigantic cosmic mistake, but that doesn't mean I belong here. Blue makes sense for all of you. I don't. I've been trying with her, but this piece just isn't gonna fit. There's a thousand reasons why it won't. Which means I'm something that's getting in the way, instead.
[The radios give a gentle whine of feedback as Noah's mind spreads out in sudden distress, reaching for stability. It isn't that he thought this would go well - if he had, he wouldn't have smoked himself into this agitated buzz, wide eyes blinking furiously against Ronan's backlash.]
Getting in the way of what? Some, like, magic world where you think we'd all be okay without you?
[He flickers, spreading back into air for a moment. Then there's a push of biting air, ice cold, and he's sitting on the foot of the bed. The mattress dips slightly.]
'Cause that's not a world I'm interested in staying alive for.
[The coldness of Noah's diminishing presence wounds Ronan even deeper. He didn't mean to do this. He's trying to make thing easier, not harder. Everyone always forces him to keep talking when they know he's only going to say the opposite of what they want to hear.]
You have plenty of reasons to stay alive. Especially now. Come on, Noah. What am I supposed to do here? We were good together when it was the four of us. When we could be together. If we're not going to acknowledge the fact that I'm responsible for everyone fucking dying, let's at least admit I can't be with a fucking woman and no one needs my limp dick bringing down the mood.
I won't do anything stupid. You guys will still be able to use me when it's time to save Gansey. Just admit it's time to dump me.
I'm not going to dump you. If you don't want to be together anymore, you're gonna have to do it yourself.
[His stomach clenches with nerves, afraid that he's just invited in the end of their relationship, but unwilling to give up the fight. He was at the top of the world this morning, and part of him is still confused at how he got here.]
No one's expecting you to be into her, Ronan. There's no rule that we have to be into each other's partners. And if you don't even want to hang out with her, that's fine too. There's already plenty of time in the day that we don't spend together. You don't even have to see me with her, if she disgusts you that much.
But if it's just the thought of me with a girl that bothers you, that's probably a different talk we need to have.
[Blue doesn't disgust Ronan. She is, in fact, the most pleasant female he's ever encountered who wasn't his mother. In terms of personality, he might have more in common with her than anyone else in the house. If he were for some reason actually forced to date a girl, he'd date Blue Sargent. But he doesn't feel what everyone else seems to feel about her. He's spent much of the past few weeks staring at her in an attempt to find something appealing in her body. But her hair looks stupid. She's too small. Her clothes are absolutely horrible. And though her legs can look nice from certain angles, when he thinks about what's between them, he feels a wave of quiet panic.
He knows none of them expect him to be into her. But before, they were with each other's partners. Frequently. In a few cases, all at the same time. When he thinks about a situation like that erupting between two or three of them with Blue, he's afraid he won't be able to stomach it. And weirdly, he's more afraid of how she'd feel if that happened than his own humiliation.
It's easier for everyone if they avoid the situation entirely. Especially if they're going to keep asking him how he feels about it and getting disappointed when he reacts with anything but enthusiasm.]
What I want is for everything to go back to how it used to be.
[Noah scoots forward slowly, his hands and knees finally making impressions in the sheets, until he's only a couple of feet away. His eyes are kind, and still sleepy with smoke, but his gaze on Ronan is firm.]
Before, though... we missed her. Me and Gansey. [He's still not sure about Adam's feelings on the topic.] We're not trying to turn four into five. The four of us still have a big, special, important... thing. Just, sometimes I'll go kiss a girl.
[He wishes he was clear-headed enough to know if he's just making things worse. Tipping forward, he folds himself until his forehead rests on the very edge of Ronan's knee.]
[Ronan doesn't think Noah's lying. He probably believes everything he's saying. It's just that Ronan knows better. The four of them had a big, special, important thing back home, too, until Blue came along and turned four into five. Ronan hated it then and he hates it now.
But he doesn't hate Blue. He can't hate her now, knowing what he knows. That makes it impossible to call for her exile, and leaves his own departure the only option, now that he sees his relationships coming to an end.
He sighs, combing his fingers through Noah's hair.]
I'm crazy in love with you, too.
[Noah was his first boyfriend. He doesn't want to let go of this, either. If Noah needs Ronan to be the one to end it, it's not going to happen.]
It's going to be worse if you guys are sneaking around trying to hide it from me so my feelings don't get hurt or whatever. I don't want it to be like I never see you anymore because you're with her. If you're really serious about this, then I think I'm going to have to be okay with her, too.
I don't know. Maybe it'll work. She's used to not kissing her boyfriends, right?
You made her flowers. You're already a great boyfriend.
[He leans into the contact, scooting his head closer. His hair smells like pancakes.]
I'm never going to leave you for her. She winds up with him, and you wind up with Adam, but I'm gonna be right here the whole time, okay? This is where I belong.
[He looks up from under his floppy hair, and raises one hand - one finger - to tap Ronan's chest.]
[The hand-holding seems to assure Noah of something, and he uses that one finger to push Ronan gently backwards, into his pillows. There's nothing rough or sexual about the action, even as Noah crawls up to drape himself over Ronan's chest. It's a soft exchange of comfort; a quiet promise. He tucks his head under Ronan's chin.]
You're the one I'd have wanted that future with, if I could have it. If I had to pick.
[Ronan gathers Noah up in his arms as they settle back, the familiar weight on his chest soothing him with the memory of a time when it was just the two of them in this place. It had been lonely then, but it'd also been more certain. Ronan knew that he was coming home to Noah every day, and that they would be with each other like this, and it would be the same tomorrow, and the day after that.
Noah's words bring a tightness to his throat and a heat to his eyes. He hates that they don't have a future. He hates it more than anything.]
You're mine.
[Ronan wanted Noah from the start. They were each other's best companions, especially once Gansey and Adam became infatuated with each other. Ronan can't imagine what it'll be like when Noah isn't a part of his life anymore. He can't remember a time without him.]
I haven't given up, you know. I'm still trying to find a way.
[A soft, agreeable sound escapes Ronan's throat. One hand pushes through Noah's hair again while the other glides to the small of his back, holding him close.]
I promise I will.
[None of them will let him join Noah in death, so he'll have to bring Noah to life.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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sorry i didn't ask first
i love you
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i knew what was going to happen when she got here
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i've been in love with both of you for literally longer than i can remember
so nothing's going to change, you dork
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[That sounds fake but OK.]
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or come say it to my face
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come to my room
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He's high as a kite.]
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Noah was probably trying to cheer him up. Ronan just wants to cry, instead. He doesn't, though, becaue he never does. Sitting up, Ronan looks over the edge of his bed at Noah. He recognizes a Noah who's been smoking. It reminds him that there's a lot of whiskey waiting downstairs.]
Did I interrupt something?
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You're my boyfriend, that's what you are.
[He sounds confused, looks a little bit dazed, but that's just the pot. There's a quiet, rough intensity behind his spacey voice.]
And this isn't a game to me, okay? I did my experimenting, like, ten years ago, and I know who I am, and I know what I want, and what I want is all of you. [He punctuates that with a clumsy point of his finger. His eyes are smokey and bloodshot, though it's well hidden in this light.] I mean, I don't get to grow up and get married and settle down. This is the most serious I know how to be, while still, like, being true to myself and stuff.
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[Ronan doesn't particularly expect Noah to be able to follow him through this extremely complicated emotional state right now.]
Look, I get that you all need me to fix some gigantic cosmic mistake, but that doesn't mean I belong here. Blue makes sense for all of you. I don't. I've been trying with her, but this piece just isn't gonna fit. There's a thousand reasons why it won't. Which means I'm something that's getting in the way, instead.
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Getting in the way of what? Some, like, magic world where you think we'd all be okay without you?
[He flickers, spreading back into air for a moment. Then there's a push of biting air, ice cold, and he's sitting on the foot of the bed. The mattress dips slightly.]
'Cause that's not a world I'm interested in staying alive for.
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You have plenty of reasons to stay alive. Especially now. Come on, Noah. What am I supposed to do here? We were good together when it was the four of us. When we could be together. If we're not going to acknowledge the fact that I'm responsible for everyone fucking dying, let's at least admit I can't be with a fucking woman and no one needs my limp dick bringing down the mood.
I won't do anything stupid. You guys will still be able to use me when it's time to save Gansey. Just admit it's time to dump me.
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[His stomach clenches with nerves, afraid that he's just invited in the end of their relationship, but unwilling to give up the fight. He was at the top of the world this morning, and part of him is still confused at how he got here.]
No one's expecting you to be into her, Ronan. There's no rule that we have to be into each other's partners. And if you don't even want to hang out with her, that's fine too. There's already plenty of time in the day that we don't spend together. You don't even have to see me with her, if she disgusts you that much.
But if it's just the thought of me with a girl that bothers you, that's probably a different talk we need to have.
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He knows none of them expect him to be into her. But before, they were with each other's partners. Frequently. In a few cases, all at the same time. When he thinks about a situation like that erupting between two or three of them with Blue, he's afraid he won't be able to stomach it. And weirdly, he's more afraid of how she'd feel if that happened than his own humiliation.
It's easier for everyone if they avoid the situation entirely. Especially if they're going to keep asking him how he feels about it and getting disappointed when he reacts with anything but enthusiasm.]
What I want is for everything to go back to how it used to be.
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[Noah scoots forward slowly, his hands and knees finally making impressions in the sheets, until he's only a couple of feet away. His eyes are kind, and still sleepy with smoke, but his gaze on Ronan is firm.]
Before, though... we missed her. Me and Gansey. [He's still not sure about Adam's feelings on the topic.] We're not trying to turn four into five. The four of us still have a big, special, important... thing. Just, sometimes I'll go kiss a girl.
[He wishes he was clear-headed enough to know if he's just making things worse. Tipping forward, he folds himself until his forehead rests on the very edge of Ronan's knee.]
I'm crazy in love with you.
[He's just saying things he's thinking now.]
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But he doesn't hate Blue. He can't hate her now, knowing what he knows. That makes it impossible to call for her exile, and leaves his own departure the only option, now that he sees his relationships coming to an end.
He sighs, combing his fingers through Noah's hair.]
I'm crazy in love with you, too.
[Noah was his first boyfriend. He doesn't want to let go of this, either. If Noah needs Ronan to be the one to end it, it's not going to happen.]
It's going to be worse if you guys are sneaking around trying to hide it from me so my feelings don't get hurt or whatever. I don't want it to be like I never see you anymore because you're with her. If you're really serious about this, then I think I'm going to have to be okay with her, too.
I don't know. Maybe it'll work. She's used to not kissing her boyfriends, right?
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[He leans into the contact, scooting his head closer. His hair smells like pancakes.]
I'm never going to leave you for her. She winds up with him, and you wind up with Adam, but I'm gonna be right here the whole time, okay? This is where I belong.
[He looks up from under his floppy hair, and raises one hand - one finger - to tap Ronan's chest.]
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We've got a long way to go before any of us winds up anywhere.
[Or that's the hope, at least. Ronan hopes the future never arrives. He catches Noah's hand and curls his fingers around it, clasping it gently.]
But you're right. You're always there, always have been.
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You're the one I'd have wanted that future with, if I could have it. If I had to pick.
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Noah's words bring a tightness to his throat and a heat to his eyes. He hates that they don't have a future. He hates it more than anything.]
You're mine.
[Ronan wanted Noah from the start. They were each other's best companions, especially once Gansey and Adam became infatuated with each other. Ronan can't imagine what it'll be like when Noah isn't a part of his life anymore. He can't remember a time without him.]
I haven't given up, you know. I'm still trying to find a way.
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[It's not a lie - just a wish. He wishes he could belong to Ronan, instead of belonging to the hallowed earth where his bones are buried.]
And you're not allowed to leave until you figure it out. Find a way to keep me.
[He kisses the closest skin to his lips, the hollow of Ronan's collar, soft and warm. His mouth tugs just a little.]
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I promise I will.
[None of them will let him join Noah in death, so he'll have to bring Noah to life.]
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